Photo Credit: Joseph Gonzalez
One in three Americans live in a stepfamily, and more than half of Americans will live in a stepfamily at some point in their lives, according to the Stepfamily Foundation, Inc. If you are not part of one, chances are you know someone who is. While much has been written about the “wicked stepmother” stereotype and stepparent struggles, an integral part of all these changing families is often ignored - the stepkids themselves.
Some stepkids are speaking out, sharing their stories like those in Hey, Who's In My House? - an anthology of personal essays by stepkids current and grown (12 – 56) What do I care? I was a stepkid, too. And that's why I wrote this book.
For parents and friends watching blended or fractured families from the sidelines of the soccer fields or at school events, some wonder: Will the kids be OK? Some shake their heads at what traditionally (still?) were thought of as broken homes, wondering how the kids will turn out.
The stepkids’ parents themselves may be thinking the same thing – or not thinking clearly at all. Love is blind is an expression that comes to mind. Sometimes focused on their new marriage, the adults in the picture may have unrealistic expectations about their kids along for the ride. A new “home.” A new “family.” Can’t they just get used to it? Well, no, not at first, not easily, and sometimes, not ever. It’s an incredibly odd experience for a child to live in a situation where he wakes up and wonders: “Hey! Who’s in my house?”
So, what’s a stepkid – and those who love him – to do? Parents and stepparents, extended family, school teachers and staff, coaches, and friends may want to help. Start with understanding where the kids are coming from. Though every child and family is different, here are three common struggles and scenarios stepkids face:
Living a Second Life - Meghan, Age 20
“Meshing two families together to make one is more difficult than it sounds…” Meghan writes in Hey, Who’s In My House? “Both sides have their traditions and ways of living that clash. Ever since I was little, my family looked for Christmas trees together and cut one down with an axe. It was something I always looked forward to around the holiday season. In our new house, we had to give up that tradition; my stepfamily uses a fake tree instead.” To a stepkid, the little things lost at holidays can be especially hard, bringing suffocated emotions to the surface. What can you do to help? Stepfamily therapists say validate stepkids’ feelings. Let them know it’s okay and natural to feel sad, and that you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty. Another tip for stepfamilies? Begin a new holiday tradition that will create positive memories - attending a play or concert together, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal prepared by every stepfamily member.
Stuck in the Middle – Anonymous, Age 12
“My mom utterly despises my stepmom, and the feeling is mutual,” says one twelve-year old stepkid who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s so annoying. Whenever they aren’t complaining about each other behind their backs, they’re fighting with each other. I am always in the middle.” Experts urge the adults in the stepkid’s life to remember to use and encourage respect and communication. Paying special attention to your tone when talking about other stepfamily members or an ex’s new partner, holding back negative comments that may have you fuming from a divorce, or just the daily frustrations co-parenting can bring make this hard, but important to do.
Home Can Be a Hazy Thing: Stuff Is Just Different - Me, Age 48
“Everything was different at my dad’s house. I felt like a stranger,” I wrote, memories of being an eleven-year-old girl in joint custody, being shuttled between two different stepfamily houses, still fresh in my mind at 45. “There were onions in the spaghetti sauce and photos of my stepmother’s family who I didn’t know. I was really just a guest, only visiting.” This can be the perception many stepkids have. Popping into a house every other weekend, where one of the parents you used to live with lives another daily life without you makes any difference crystal clear. For some kids, it’s the food; for others, it’s a different bed, different rules, and - as the overarching symbol and often-seen reason of all this forced change – the kid’s new stepmom or stepfather, always present in the house. Experts say some things can help, like giving stepkids a say in decorating the new house or picking out a comforter for their new room. You can even buy a duplicate of a favorite item, so it appears at both houses (without the stress of remembering to schlep it back and forth.)
The stepkids sharing their stories in Hey, Who’s In My House shed light on the struggles and the triumphs of growing up in a blended family. And there are some triumphs. Sometimes, they come slowly; sometimes years or even decades later. But with greater awareness about what stepkids face and how people can help, maybe there can be more happy endings. Different - but happy.
Some stepkids are speaking out, sharing their stories like those in Hey, Who's In My House? - an anthology of personal essays by stepkids current and grown (12 – 56) What do I care? I was a stepkid, too. And that's why I wrote this book.
For parents and friends watching blended or fractured families from the sidelines of the soccer fields or at school events, some wonder: Will the kids be OK? Some shake their heads at what traditionally (still?) were thought of as broken homes, wondering how the kids will turn out.
The stepkids’ parents themselves may be thinking the same thing – or not thinking clearly at all. Love is blind is an expression that comes to mind. Sometimes focused on their new marriage, the adults in the picture may have unrealistic expectations about their kids along for the ride. A new “home.” A new “family.” Can’t they just get used to it? Well, no, not at first, not easily, and sometimes, not ever. It’s an incredibly odd experience for a child to live in a situation where he wakes up and wonders: “Hey! Who’s in my house?”
So, what’s a stepkid – and those who love him – to do? Parents and stepparents, extended family, school teachers and staff, coaches, and friends may want to help. Start with understanding where the kids are coming from. Though every child and family is different, here are three common struggles and scenarios stepkids face:
Living a Second Life - Meghan, Age 20
“Meshing two families together to make one is more difficult than it sounds…” Meghan writes in Hey, Who’s In My House? “Both sides have their traditions and ways of living that clash. Ever since I was little, my family looked for Christmas trees together and cut one down with an axe. It was something I always looked forward to around the holiday season. In our new house, we had to give up that tradition; my stepfamily uses a fake tree instead.” To a stepkid, the little things lost at holidays can be especially hard, bringing suffocated emotions to the surface. What can you do to help? Stepfamily therapists say validate stepkids’ feelings. Let them know it’s okay and natural to feel sad, and that you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty. Another tip for stepfamilies? Begin a new holiday tradition that will create positive memories - attending a play or concert together, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal prepared by every stepfamily member.
Stuck in the Middle – Anonymous, Age 12
“My mom utterly despises my stepmom, and the feeling is mutual,” says one twelve-year old stepkid who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s so annoying. Whenever they aren’t complaining about each other behind their backs, they’re fighting with each other. I am always in the middle.” Experts urge the adults in the stepkid’s life to remember to use and encourage respect and communication. Paying special attention to your tone when talking about other stepfamily members or an ex’s new partner, holding back negative comments that may have you fuming from a divorce, or just the daily frustrations co-parenting can bring make this hard, but important to do.
Home Can Be a Hazy Thing: Stuff Is Just Different - Me, Age 48
“Everything was different at my dad’s house. I felt like a stranger,” I wrote, memories of being an eleven-year-old girl in joint custody, being shuttled between two different stepfamily houses, still fresh in my mind at 45. “There were onions in the spaghetti sauce and photos of my stepmother’s family who I didn’t know. I was really just a guest, only visiting.” This can be the perception many stepkids have. Popping into a house every other weekend, where one of the parents you used to live with lives another daily life without you makes any difference crystal clear. For some kids, it’s the food; for others, it’s a different bed, different rules, and - as the overarching symbol and often-seen reason of all this forced change – the kid’s new stepmom or stepfather, always present in the house. Experts say some things can help, like giving stepkids a say in decorating the new house or picking out a comforter for their new room. You can even buy a duplicate of a favorite item, so it appears at both houses (without the stress of remembering to schlep it back and forth.)
The stepkids sharing their stories in Hey, Who’s In My House shed light on the struggles and the triumphs of growing up in a blended family. And there are some triumphs. Sometimes, they come slowly; sometimes years or even decades later. But with greater awareness about what stepkids face and how people can help, maybe there can be more happy endings. Different - but happy.
